Warnings/Notes: Contains slash and zombie/human sex. Randall/Mark. Utter crack. Also, seriously the only canon in this is that Randall's a zombie. Well, and bits of Mark. [lol zombie!pun]



Sometimes-all right those nights when they're both drunk- Randall and Mark play 'hide the penis'. Randall wins mostly but Mark doesn't mind.


Mark's family wasn't thrilled he was dating [or just fucking, sometimes he's not sure what they are] a guy but when they found out Randall was a zombie? That's when things got...tense. [And finding out Randall was from South Jersey? Oh that's not going to happen for long time.]
"So, he's like a zombie?"
Marks sighs for the fifteenth time. "Yes, Shelley, he's a zombie."
Mark's sister chews her gum, popping a bubble between each word. "So, like, when you two fuck, like, does he fuck you? And like does it ever, y'know, fall off?"
Mark facepalms and Randall laughs. "Mark, pumpkin, your family's awesome."
A glare. "Told you to stop calling me that around them. And Shelley, I am not answering your question. Ever."
"No, pumpkin, you told me to stop calling you 'my fleshy little lump of desire' around your family. And I'll answer your question, Shells."
Mark twitches and kicks Randall's leg. "No you're not, Rand."



Randall shoves Mark down on the bed, warm fingers [thanks to ...] running over his skin and Mark groans, hands reaching out for the zombie but Randall leans just out of his reach and, with a hand,
[yes there are totally zombie sex aids. One of them is called the Zomboner. It's the cheapest. No I have not put too much thought into this.]



Mark wakes, drowsy and muddled still by sleep. And blinks. What the hell is that? Did we forget to turn off the Zomboner last night? He groans, shoving Randall's warm arm off- Wait? Warm?
Any trace of sleep vanishes when he turns around and looks into a human face.
"Randall? Randall, wake up!" he whispers, shaking the other man.
"Hrnn," Randall grumbles, blearily opening his eyes. "What is it, Mark?"
"You're you're human."
Randall's eyes go wide and he rushes out of bed into the bathroom.
And then he screams.
And Mark stumbles out of bed into the bathroom. "Rand, you okay?"
Arms wrap around him and Mark leans into the embrace. "Yeah, pumpkin, I'm fine. Just a little freaked out."
Mark chuckles. "Understandable," he says, reaching around to run a finger along Randall's jaw and Randall smiles and turns his head, catching the finger in his mouth and running his tongue along its length.
Mark gasps and groans and Randall pops off his finger and yanks Mark towards him, crushing their lips together.
"Get to taste you now," he murmurs in between kisses.



Mark buries his face into Randall's chest, breathing in the other's scent and he sighs.
"Rough day at work?" Randall murmurs, looping his arms around the brunet.
Mark nods, curling closer to Randall.
"Was it Callie again?"
Another nod and Mark presses even closer.



Mark stretches in bed and opens his eyes.
To a cold green-skinned chest. And an arm wrapped securely around his waist.
"Randall?" he hisses.
"Shh, pumpkin," Randall murmurs pulling the brunet closer against him. "Just go back to sleep."
"Did we have sex?" Mark sputters, turning around in his roommate's arms.
A sigh and Randall sits up a little. "Yes, Mark. We had sex."
Mark groans, burying his face into the sheets.
Randall pets his hair and shuffles out of bed. "I'll go make us some breakfast. Oh, and if you find the Zomboner while you're smothering yourself, make sure it's turned off. You were real frisky last night."
Mark answers him with another groan and he weakly flips Randall off.
Randall chuckles. "Nah, you're probably too sore from last night."

Mark stumbles out of bed, hair sticking up and a pair of Randall's pants on.
"Shut up about the pants they were the first pair I found now gimme some breakfast."
Randall slides over a plate of toast with eggs and laughs. "Good morning to you, pumpkin. Also, we need to go grocery shopping."



"Mark, baby," Randall murmurs, wrapping his arms around the brunet.
Mark looks up and groans. "What do you want, Rand?"
"MyparentsarehavingafamilyreunionandtheysayifIcomethey'llgivememoney," Randall says, before stopping to breathe. "So, what d'you say?"
"Yes? I'm not actually sure what you said there."
"Good. Go pack your suitcase and get in the van."
"Wait a minute, we're no going to Jersey to visit your parents again are we?"
"No of course not, pumpkin. Now come on we're going to be late."
---
Mark wakes up in the van and glares at Randall. "God damn it, Randall. What are we doing at your parent's place?"
"Reunion, pumpkin. Honestly, do you ever listen to me?
Come on, let's go inside."
"There had better be food," Mark mutters, grabbing onto his roommate's hand.
A chuckle. "Yes, yes, there'll be food."
"Randall! Who's your friend?" By the fifteenth time that's asked (Mark never knew Randall had so many family members) Mark's starving and ready to try cannibalism.
"Rand," he hisses. "I hate your family. Can't we just eat please?"
Randall coos, pulling the brunet against him. "All right pumpkin. Follow me."



...